It’s not bulimia or anorexia – no nothing like that. My eating disorder is more like an addiction.
It looks something like this…I would eat baked goods and then a few hours later I’d need more to feel good. I became a baked goods aficionado. As a teenager I could make cookies, cakes and brownies without a recipe.
I have two brothers so I had to hide my baked goods to make sure I had enough for myself.
Even before I was a teenager, I learned how to take the lid off the squirrel ceramic cookie jar without anyone hearing. If there was a treat in the house I would find it.
I worked in Yellowstone National Park for a summer and had to eat in a group setting. I realized then that I was self-conscious to eat around others.
My family made it clear that I couldn’t be fat so I didn’t want others to see me eating. Every once in awhile I would buy a package of graham crackers in our general store, and eat the whole box. I couldn’t stop with just one or two.
But all this wheat indulgence would make me gain weight, so to fix this I wouldn’t eat anything for a day and I’d go for a run. I would starve myself and over-exercise.
I didn’t know that what I was eating was really messing with my brain. If I didn’t have my wheat “fix” I had terrible brain fog and felt exhausted.
Thinking back I had the hardest time studying in college. It was like my brain was slogging through molasses every day, I couldn’t wait for my nap. I was always so tired.
It wasn’t my fault, but I didn’t know it at the time.
Wheat is truly addictive. It acts like an opiate to the brain in that it dominates your thoughts and behaviors. According to Dr. William Davis,
“Wheat is addictive in the sense that there is a distinct withdrawal syndrome characterized by overwhelming fatigue, mental “fog,” inability to exercise, even depression that lasts several days, occasionally several weeks.”
This was me, and still is me if I eat anything containing wheat.
It feels so good to be free. Yes, I have an eating disorder, but only if I stop paying attention.
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